Three reflections after baby number two

Samantha with her gorgeous boys, Archie and Tommy.

Kia ora! We hope the holiday season allowed for some rest and recharging.

We are avid believers in reflection. In order to move forward in a way that aligns with our values, we must first reflect back on what has and hasn’t supported our previous experiences.

With that in mind I’d love to share with you three reflections I have after having baby number two.

But before we get into that…it’s me, Sam (co-founder of Matrescence NZ). I had my youngest son in March 2022, which makes him almost 2! The intention was to take some (just some) time off Matrescence NZ, but wee Tommy had other ideas. Now, full of excitement and zest, this little love of mine really tested me. He was very unsettled, dysregulated, and required more from me than I thought I had. It felt like he really just wanted another 9 months in my belly before he was ready for the world. At about 7/9 months I needed to go back to work. I made the decision to work within an ECE centre, rather than return to Primary teaching, so that we weren’t separated. This had a range of new challenges, but I felt it was what Tommy needed, and he is now a confident, thriving, very very cheeky boy.

Throughout this time Christina held down the fort at Matrescence NZ, as well as having her own second baby. She is an absolute powerhouse at being both extremely productive yet reflective in her practise, plus knowing how and when to slow down and reprioritise. I am so grateful for the amount of unpaid work she contributes to the cause of supporting maternal mental health and truly believe that those that have attended Christina's workshops, education or therapy will have a better experience of motherhood because of her. So thank you Christina. And of course to our incredibly patient and understanding ‘“person that supports us with all the things’’, Bryleigh - we wouldn’t be here without your knowledge and support. We wish you all the best as you go on maternity leave shortly with number two!

With that, here are my three reflections from my experience of being a Mum of two.

1. Do what feels right for you and your family.

That first year as a Mum of two young children was challenging (as it is for many!). Both boys were deemed ‘sensitive' by a range of professionals and they were very dependent on me for regulation. In order to simultaneously co-regulate the two of them, it was imperative that I was able to regulate myself. This meant being in control of situations as much as possible, and being in 'safe' places where I could minimise possible threats to our nervous system... Basically, we just didn't go out much.

I absolutely felt the disappointment of some friends and the growing distance of others, as well as the guilt for not giving the boys lots of 'experiences' outside the home. I felt like I was doing it all wrong, and yet it was what seemed to feel right. Especially because a lot of other Mums feel the complete opposite and need to be out and about and around others, so in a way I felt like this was what I should be striving for.

It wasn't until I let go of these assumptions and expectations and trusted that my intuition knew what was best for my family, that I was able to feel less guilty and more content with the way we were doing this. 

Can you think of a situation where you've found yourself following social norms, only to come to the conclusion that actually, doing things your own way is what feels more aligned? 

I found this podcast really helpful in coming to this realisation: The Imperfects - Chrissy Swan - HONESTY

2. Recognise how fleeting each stage is.

I mean, they always say it goes quicker the subsequent times around right? There is just less opportunity to sit and recognise and be present in each moment.

Understanding how fleeting each moment was really helped to reduce my feelings of overwhelm. From the pain of giving birth to the initial pain of cracked nipples, I knew it was just a moment in time and that it would eventually pass. The two-hourly night wakes, the never being able to put them down, the teething, the evenings juggling bedtime demands alone — through all of the hard parts I was able to see them for what they were, just small parts. With my first son, every challenge was new and brought uncertainty, but the second time around I had more confidence that I could and would overcome those tricky times.

Archie, my oldest, was pretty independent with his sleep from the ages 2-3 years. He'd self settle, no tears, and just go to sleep for the night (he now requires me to lie next to him for up to an hour each night, but we had a good run for a while!). Tommy was born when Archie was almost 2 years old, and I remember at some point when I was rocking Tommy to sleep I questioned if Archie would ever need me like this again. From then on, and even now, I cherish those long stretches of time spent in Tommy's room supporting him to sleep, knowing that he won't need or want me to hold him forever, never knowing if this will be the last time he reaches through the cot and pulls my hands to hold him. 

3. Your relationship with your significant other can't come last.

It's hard. I didn't really expect it to be this hard, I just assumed that we'd survived that first hard year, the next kids gotta be easier right? Ahhhh no.

With two, it just seems to work better doing divide and conquer. Because our oldest found sharing Mum hard, usually Dad would take him out so he was still getting to do all the fun things we used to do with him, all while I was at home caring for the baby (who really didn't want to be held by anyone else). Therefore, we didn't do a lot as a family, and even less as a couple and I did even less for myself. As mentioned above, there is more co-regulating to do the more children you have, and in my situation this meant I had a whole lot less patience, tolerance and compassion left to give to my partner. 

I was easily able to recognise that when my relationship with my partner was good, I then felt good, more capable, more resilient. But when it wasn't, everything felt harder. What took me a long time to recognise was that if I wanted a good relationship with my partner, and in turn to feel good within myself, and in turn feel more competent at parenting, then I needed to be more flexible with my priorities. The grass is greener where you water it and the grass where my relationship grew was being expected to survive through a drought.

I was so explicit in my belief that the kids come first, always. And obviously in specific instances this is true, but it's not a fixed 'rule'. Like with anything to do with parenting, we need to be flexible and try to see the bigger picture. Your relationship with your partner is the foundation of your family — what strategies have you/can you put in place to strengthen/support it?

In conclusion

At the end of the day, it is easy for me to sit here and reflect on these things after the fact. It is also easy for me to beat myself up over ‘not doing better’ in certain situations. When in reality, we’re all doing the best we can with the knowledge and resources that we have at each moment. And this I feel is the gift and power of reflection. It gives us the ability to look back and think “wow, I’m really proud of how I handled that time”, or “I struggled with that situation, what have I learnt from it to support myself better in the future?”. Motherhood is hard in so many unpredictable ways, but man does it have the potential to cultivate your strength within.