I don’t have time for self-care.

Self-care is a bit of a buzzword. It is often misunderstood in numerous ways, such as being construed as selfish - mums should always be putting their children's needs before their own (argh, no they shouldn't, read more below).

Self-care is often portrayed as filling your cup by having extended periods of time away from your children to recharge, like going to get your nails done. 

Yet there are so many different ways to achieve self-care and it is not a one size fits all approach - and not a “one and done” exercise. Self-care is required regularly on an ongoing basis. It is more effective to have small daily habits, rather than occasional big activities.

Self-care is not just about filling your cup either. Look at what's draining your cup and be intentional about what you pour out. Can you plug any holes? (Unnecessary drains on your energy). Uncover specifically what's depleting your cup (not just caring for children in general) - is it lack of sleep, feeling disconnected from your social network, big emotions (child & you), lack of village support etc. This helps address the causes and identify what areas of self-care will have the biggest impact. 

Here’s 5 key misconceptions turned into key messages about self-care to make it more achievable for busy mothers. 

1. Self-care isn’t (just) showering.

Self-care, commonly thought of as taking care of yourself, isn’t just meeting your basic needs - showering, eating, and using the bathroom (in peace). Self-care is doing things that you enjoy that makes you feel refreshed, relaxed, or re-energised. It’s about establishing behaviours that enhance your wellbeing and prioritising what your mind and body most need at any given point in time. Self-care may include basic human needs and hygiene tasks but should also incorporate things that bring you PLEASURE. Consider what fills your cup.

2. Self-care is not (just) a few hours away a month for an activity (nails, haircut etc) - build it into each and every day.

I find the perspective of building self-care into our lifestyle really helpful, so we’re not desperate for a break. We are filling our cup each day, as well as pouring from it. What can you do every day that gives yourself the TLC you deserve? Is this 3 deep breaths every hour, reading for 10mins before bed, a walk with your cherub(s). This doesn't mean that getting your nails done now and again isn't helpful, but this alone is not sufficient to fill a cup you're pouring from daily.

3. Self-care isn’t selfish - it’s essential (our needs are equally important to our child’s).

Our bodies are designed to have periods of rest, to activate our parasympathetic nervous system and reverse the stress response. There’s a saying if you don’t make time for health, you’ll have to make time for ill-health. This is not intended to make us feel bad when we’re struggling to prioritise life as a busy mum, it’s intended to relieve the guilt that self-care is selfish or not important. Not to mention when we are well and regulated this has a flow on effect to our household. Self-care is also role modelling the importance of taking care of ourselves. Your needs matter too. You are important and deserve to do things for pleasure.

4. Mums don't have time - how can I find the time?

We don’t want self-care to be about adding to our to do list, another thing to feel guilty for not doing. Can you swap it out for something - e.g. listening to your music in the car instead of kids tunes. Build a new habit of incorporating it into your day - e.g. every night while making dinner I play my favourite podcast. Can you invest in a luxurious face scrub and take a full 5 mins without rushing in the shower? Can you change the way you're doing things instead of having to add something? Can it replace something that is not serving you? 

5. It doesn't have to be grandiose and always planned. Not sure what you enjoy or need? Have a variety of go-to tasks.

Mix it up and consider 1-5 minute things you can do every day. Longer activities such as an hour or more you can do a few times a week, and even longer that you can do once a month and so forth. Self-care doesn’t last forever, we need to be regularly replenished just like we regularly eat as food nourishes us. 

TAKE ACTION: Can you write a list of what brings you joy? Big and small. Can you write a list of what seems to be draining you, and how you can plug those holes? How can you make one small tweak to incorporate more self-care within your current lifestyle today?

Enjoyed this topic and want to learn a little more about self-care in motherhood? We recommend listening to this podcast about breathing underwater in motherhood: The Good Enough Mother - When you feel like you are drowning in Motherhood - with Amanda Connell