My discovery of matrescence

I always looked forward to being a mother.  When the day came, I loved my daughter fiercely. 

At the same time, I also experienced a whole range of other emotions I didn't expect: anxiety, shame, guilt, confusion, frustration, anger and resentment. 

My natural home birth didn't go to plan. I felt like I failed my first job as a mother - I wasn't able to push my baby out. 

I tried so hard to do things right. To provide the perfect amount of connection, tummy time, nappy off time, outside time and sleep. Oh the sleep! I never wanted to miss the sleep cues and have my baby 'overtired'. I spent far too long trying to get her to sleep when she wasn't ready - resulting in us both in tears. I believed the myths I’d been taught about teaching my baby to self-soothe, putting her down drowsy but awake and encouraging independence. I didn't understand infant brain development. 

I loved my role as a mother. I loved my baby. Yet, it was so much harder than expected. I thought motherhood would be the happiest time of my life - and it was and is, but it has also equally been the hardest - significantly harder than studying a decade at university. 

I hated being apart from my baby. I thought I had separation anxiety. I was made to feel as though what I was feeling was wrong and I should be able to enjoy time away from my baby. 

My intrusive thoughts were intense and vivid. I recall once at 9months old going to get my nails done at the mall for my sister's wedding. One sister pushed my daughter around the mall in a pram while I had my nails done. I was in tears with intrusive throughs about my baby being harmed while she was not with me to protect her.

I missed working. At times I felt bored and alone with my baby. Then I felt guilty for thinking that way. I was left constantly pondering the questions…What kind of mother am I? Is this my life now?

There was so much I didn't know.  That I am now fortunate enough to know. 

 Now, having my second daughter everything is how I imagined motherhood would be. I am not fighting against my intuition due to cultural or societal expectations.

• I don't listen to should or should nots.

• I follow my baby's cues and meet her needs.  

• I bedshare and co-sleep. 

• I don't worry so much. 

 What's made this difference? I discovered matrescence. 

I knew I couldn't be the only one feeling lost, confused and maternal ambivalence, but why weren't people talking about it? Mothers before me didn't have the language. 

So, I immersed myself in maternal and infant wellbeing knowledge. And I found the answers to all of the questions I had and more. It is my life's passion to share this knowledge with other mothers' to enhance both mother and infant wellbeing. I want everyone to know about matrescence and have the strategies I now have to enjoy motherhood. I can truly say I am living a better and more balanced life, not because there are no challenges but because I have the tools to navigate them. 

I get it. The anxiety. The overwhelm. The sleep challenges. The mental load and relationships. The sensory overload. The guilt. The drive to do the absolute best for your baby. To grow as a woman and mother and learn to be better. I deeply get it. 

This is why I started Matrescence NZ. I have dedicated my professional career (and sacrifices in my personal life) to maternal and infant wellbeing to create positive change for as many as I can. That’s also why it was so important to me to offer an array of support services such as antenatal classes, webinars, professional development and a postpartum village.  

I want every mother to know while motherhood is hard, it doesn't have to be as hard. With the right knowledge, support and tools motherhood can be everything you hoped it would be. This will take collective change overtime AND there are things as individuals we can do to ease the load and find more enjoyment in our experience of motherhood. 

With love,
Christina