Managing the Mental Load and Relationships
I'm at home with the baby that won't let me put him down. The house is a mess, there are dishes in the sink, I am tired, I catch myself in the mirror and I see my hair all over the place and my clothes have food and sick on them, I smell, when did I last shower??
And then my partner rings. He has taken our toddler out for the day. "Hey! He's been so great today, we just went to the bike track and now we're going to meet Tim, Laura and the kids for lunch and a swim at their place. I'll call you on the way home!''.
I am mad at him. He always gets the better deal. I feel stuck here, with the responsibility of the housework and a baby, while they get to have fun.
This isn't fair.
My partner comes home and I have spent the afternoon brewing, growing in anger, imagining all the fun they're having while I am trying to hang out washing, vacuum, put the dishwasher on, all with the baby strapped to me. He comes in with all their bags and throws them in a pile on the floor and collapses on the couch. "What a day, I'm exhausted! What's for dinner?".
I lose it. I yell. "I don't get to sit down! It's been an awful day and you've just been out having fun. The kids needs baths, now."
He feels attacked and gets defensive, unable to see that I am trying to ask for help - I just don't know how to. I feel worse for yelling but not actually expressing effectively how I really feel. We both go silent and are unable to communicate with kindness and compassion as we feel wronged by the other.
The roles within a relationship and parenthood are not 50/50. There is never a simple divide of the load. Each role, task and situation takes a different amount of emotional, physical and logistical energy and usually as parents, a task that might be emotionally and physically exhausting for one, is not always as taxing for the other. It is about finding a balance of what works for your family. This is only achieved through open lines of communication, which is not easy, especially when already feeling disconnected.
“Resentment in relationships, especially after becoming parents, can be a common challenge. Resentment is a feeling of bitterness or anger that arises when we perceive unfairness, unmet expectations, or a sense of being taken for granted.”
The relationship you have with your partner is the foundation for your family. You are a team, and are both working towards the same goal with the same intentions. Sometimes we just struggle to see that in the heat of a moment. We would love to support you to develop skills to overcome resentment, and strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Our Relationships and Sharing the Load webinar is to help primary care givers carrying the invisible mental load of the childcare and domestic duties to share the load and elicit more practical, mental and emotional support from their partners.
